Love and Hate: My own personal experience

Good morning, this post will be a bit different from usual.

NagiAsu’s Isaki Kaname inspired or should i say pushed me to write this. He really reflects me, the 4 years ago me…

Please be warned that the following contents below are legit, not some fictionized cheesy fanfic.

I was 16 back then, and just graduated from my school. At this period of time, i was on my anime hiatus and was crazing about kpop. My parents wanted me to work, instead of lazing around at home. My dad recommended me a part-time job, his friend’s place, and had no choice but to take the job.

Work started and it was as smooth for awhile, then slowly gotten the hang of it and everything became smooth sailing. I was the youngest worker in that shop and also the most diligent and loyal, because there were cases of my fellow co-workers stealing money from the shop.

Then one day, a new girl came in, she was older than me. It was awkward at first when i started working with her, and my manager tasked me to teach her the ropes of the shop. We were literally silent for like 5 hours. I have a pretty shy personality, i usually dont take the initiative to start a convo, i was always wait for the other party to start as i feared that i might freak her out. She then start to talk to me, forgotten what it was about, then slowly, we talked normally. After work, as i was walking home, i looked forward to work with her again.

Slowly, we worked for quite a lot of days, and slowly, i fell for her. But i was too shy back then, so i did not acknowledge my feelings for her, and tried to ignore it. Gradually, the feelings got even stronger, until i cannot control anymore, As i know her for quite awhile already, I treat her like how Hikari treats Manaka in the beginning, the personality, the attitude, all similar. I gave her gifts, bring her out to eat, but i guess the message wasnt strong enough.

One day, she asked me about another fellow co-worker, quite a lot of things she asked. As i was pretty dense back then, i didnt know that she…had feelings for him… The intensively dense me gave her a lot of info, unknowingly.

Then one fine day, i was happily going to work, until i heard that she and he are now in a relationship, it just hit me, i fell down while exiting, i overshoot a can while throwing into a bin, my mind became blank. When i got back home, i actually cried while trying to sleep, it sucks, it really sucks. I then decided to bury this me and move on, from then on, i lost quite a few emotions. I cant smile, laugh truthfully, pretty much the positive emotions, i lost them all, becoming a pretty expressionless person. I had a painful and fatal weakness, is that i cant hold grudges, even if i did, i would forget about it after a good night sleep. But when this happened, i lost my trust for her and she became my first grudge i ever had.

My co-workers knew about my feelings for her, and saw my melancholic look, and tried to cheer me up, but i just stayed like this. This also leads to my return to watching anime and reading manga, i rewatched School Rumble at night, because i was desperate for laughter. I laughed, but it wasnt from the heart, its like just laughing for the sake of it. I even laugh till i cried also…

My feelings became oversensitive and desperate, whenever a new girl comes, i fell in love with her at first sight. I think i might be desperate to get myself a girl so that i can prove to her, how i could become a better boyfriend for her.

After a few weeks, i told my boss, to change my work schedule to avoid meeting her. But i cant escape forever, i went to work pretty depressed, saw him and her together, i felt disgusted. I avoid eye contact, talking or even eat with her. She was totally clueless, thats what pissed me off. My cold shoulder treatment continued for weeks until one of my co-workers couldnt stand it, and told her the truth, even tho i told them not to. She then talked to me about it, I ignored whatever she said. When she asked about my feelings for her, i said “No” and kept repeating it until she stopped asking. That was the first time i lied to myself so hard. After that day of work, i told my boss i will take a 2 week break, a break from her.

2weeks later, feeling slightly better, thought that i gotten over her, i went back to work, and i was surprised she was there, when my boss didnt told me that she was working that day. We were back to like as if it was her first day, silence, but this time no one started a convo, that day became a long, boring work day.

A few months later, she broke up. But i think the melancholy took over long enough for me to get immune of the feeling already, I did not have any reaction to the news. I replied to my co-worker with an “Oh” and carried on work. Even after she broke up, when we worked together, we didnt talk. This carried on until she eventually quit working there.

Because of my many cases of previous rejections, this is pretty much became my mindset. I even swore that I will stay single for eternity, i even told my parents. Pardon my childishness. But then…

So its pretty messed up, as i lack self-confidence, i always think no girls will ever accept me, due to my many cases of previous rejections. From then on, i told myself not to admire girls, there is only “I, Me and My”, and also not to trust anyone, fearing that i might be betrayed.

This rejection struck me the hardest due to fact that the co-worker she had a relationship with, knew about my feelings for her.

Hopefully this post didnt ruin your day or anything, in fact after writing this, it felt a lot better for me, less depressed. Imma try to write up another review soon.

Any thoughts? Write a comment below…

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8 responses to “Love and Hate: My own personal experience

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  3. Scrolling through your archives and this really resonated with me because my Fiancee was single for years before we met. He just assumed he would be alone forever and was fine with it. (We knew each other for years I just never saw him that way until something clicked. LONG STORY.) and now I never want to let him go. Love happens when you least expect it. Sometimes just takes a bit longer than you’d think. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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  8. That was a good read. Probably because I can relate to it. I am not sure if you are still in the same position of not being able to confess or not but remember what happened to Harima Kenji ( I had to bring him up since you mentioned School Rumble) throughout the entire SR series. Yes, it was a comedy anime but I know I wasn’t the only one horribly saddened by the ending. Point being, its better to try and get rejected than to not try at all. I wish you the best and look forward to more posts.

    Liked by 3 people

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